


spinning sideways into place

by KayCeeCruz



Category: As the World Turns
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-28
Updated: 2010-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-14 04:13:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/145266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayCeeCruz/pseuds/KayCeeCruz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>He jerks the wheel to move out of the way, the tires skidding and sliding on the snow and ice. Luke's heart rises to his throat and he struggles to keep control of the car. He feels the impact before his brain registers the lamp post, his head hitting the steering wheel. He can hear the car's alarm blaring, the sound fading in and out. </i></p><p><i>Minutes tick by and he can't quite move yet. </i></p><p><i>The door on his side is opened, the car is turned off and Luke rolls his head to look up at his rescuer. </i></p><p><i>He really hopes this isn't his head injury because -- wow. The face etched with concern is beautiful, blue eyes round and worried.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	spinning sideways into place

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Hollie for [thehayloft](http://community.livejournal.com/thehayloft)'s holiday gift exchange. Happy holidays, my GoLightly! Hollie's prompt reminded me of the premise from one of my favorite _Lifetime_ holiday movies, _Comfort and Joy_ , so I ran with that. Quick thanks to Shannon for her ever present patience as my beta, April for the kickass title and Moey for the cheerleading!

  


 

 _“Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle Bell time…”_

Luke rolls across the expanse of his bed, throws one hand out and slams it down on the snooze button of his alarm clock. He blinks blearily at the digital numbers on its surface and mutters a curse, face hiding in his pillow. He likes his warm four hundred count thread sheets and matching cases. It’s comfortable and if he tries hard enough he could manage to spend his holiday right where he was. It’s a nice thought.

 _“Happy Day before Christmas, Oakies. Hope you’ve all gotten your shopping done._

Luke groans as he lifts his head to glare at the clock. “I hate you.”

He leaves it on, Christmas music drifting out from the speakers, and pushes off his bed, scrubs a hand over his face. He looks out of his windows -- floor to ceiling and the main selling point of his apartment -- and down to the street. It’s a flurry of movement and color from his viewpoint. Everyone moving to get where they need to go. He misses when Christmas used to be about family, food, warmth. It makes his chest ache in ways he doesn't like to explore.

It will pass, he knows that. Luke makes a face at the image reflected in the glass. “Get a grip, Snyder.” He shakes his head before padding into the bathroom, turning off the radio as he does. Flipping the switch on, he blinks against the harsh lights, fumbling for the dimmer, shaking his head.

He wishes Chris would remember to set the lights back down to the way Luke likes them.

Reaching for his toothbrush, he starts his morning routine and taps a finger on the remote sitting on the counter. The television he'd somehow let the contractor talk him into installing in the bathroom lights up and Luke watches in the reflection as the meteorologist gestures at the digital map. He frowns at all the blue that covers most of the state. That can't be good news.

“The storm clouds are gathering and it's predicted that the storm will hit sometime this afternoon. It looks like we'll be having a White Christmas after all.”

Luke groans. “Wonderful.”

He dresses quickly, remembering his lunch date with Chris, and makes sure to wear the tie he gave him for his birthday. He rushes into his kitchen, pauses to fill his thermos with coffee, reaching for his cell phone. The call goes to voicemail, not that he's surprised at that, really.

“Hunter, listen, I need you to cancel my meeting with Mr. Forbes. I haven't even started my shopping, yes, I know, shut up, so I'm going to get that done this morning. Just tell Forbes I had a family emergency, send flowers or whatever is appropriate and let's reschedule for the first of the year, okay? Thanks. Oh, also can you or Liberty get me the address to Dr. Dixon's house? I promised I'd stop in for his holiday party. See you when I get in.”

Luke lets out a loud sigh, grabs his coffee and briefcase, running out the door. Mrs. Martinez is out in the hall and she holds him up for five minutes, telling him all about her nephew who's visiting and “you should come over for drinks, later.” He promises to try before heading down to the garage. Luke has no idea why everyone wants to set him up with their son, cousin, nephew, best friend... He has a boyfriend.

He grabs his Bluetooth as he starts the car and dials the office again.

“Merry Christmas, Luke Snyder's office, how can I help you?”

Luke rolls his eyes, bites back a grin and says quickly. “It's not Christmas yet, Libby.”

“Good morning, Mr. Grumps. What did you forget to tell Hunter to tell me?” Luke can hear the smile in Liberty's voice and his mood lightens some. It can't be helped around her.

“Why do I keep you around? All I get is attitude and snark from you.”

“Because I make this office brighter with my cheery disposition. Besides Jack would kick your ass if you fired me. Nepotism rules.”

That was, sadly, very true.

His chuckle is cut off as he brakes hard when the car in front of him stops suddenly. “Jesus. Drivers are insane during the holidays.”

Liberty makes a noise that Luke interprets as agreement. “You've got a few messages already by the way. Two from your mom, one from Mrs. Walsh and one from Holden.”

Luke sighs. “I'll deal with those later. I need you to call Chris' office and find out where we're meeting for lunch. Oh, and find out from his assistant if we're exchanging gifts. I haven't bought his yet. Also, can you get me directions to Dr. Dixon's party tonight? I don't even have the address.”

He can hear Liberty typing away on her computer and she clicks her tongue, saying, “Got it. I'll call you back in ten.”

Luke disconnects, makes a face at the line of red brake lights he can see and rubs his face with one hand.

It's going to be an interesting day.

 

\--

 

Luke walks into Java, hides his grin at the exasperated expression on Parker's face as he tries to take the order of a group of teenage girls. Luke waves at him quickly, looking around the cafe until he spots Casey at one of the back tables, files spread everywhere on the surface. Luke makes his way over, plopping down on the chair opposite Casey.

“Big case, man?” Luke leans back in his seat, smirks up at his best friend and laughs when he gets a glare in return.

“Don't even get me started.” Casey retorts, shaking his head as he shuffles through his files, mouth drawn into a hard line.

Luke leans forward. “Hey, what's going on?”

Casey looks up at him, waves a few papers in the air. “I got the Mercer case.”

Luke's eyes widen and he grins, scooting closer to pat Casey's face. “Case! That's great.”

“Yeah” is the curt, unhappy reply.

He's confused at Casey's reaction. His friend has been working for the last few years toward a junior partnership position at his law firm and Luke knows winning this case would get him that.

Parker chooses that moment to walk up to them, looking for all the world like the almost college graduate he is and Luke is totally in denial about that.

“Order before I have to kick you both out for using a table without purchasing any items.” He grins at Luke, gesturing toward the counter. “Linda is not in the holiday spirit today.”

Luke raises his brow as his gaze moves beyond Parker to find the sour looking woman glaring daggers at them from behind the counter. “No kidding. I'll have the Gingerbread Chai.” He glances at a frowning Casey and point his way. “Bring him whatever you think will make him smile.”

Parker nods and starts to turn away when Luke calls out to him. “Hey, you have any idea what my sister wants for Christmas?” He can never shop for Faith.

“Haven't got your shopping done yet?”

Luke snorts. “Not even close.”

Parker laughs then pauses to think. “I caught her looking at this great leather bag over at Lisa's the other day. I couldn't afford it,” he looks embarrassed and Luke gives him a sympathetic look -- he remembers being a college student, “maybe that would be nice.”

“Thanks, Parker.”

The conversation had given Casey time to organize and when Luke turns back to him, the table is clear.

“So. You want to tell me what's going on?”

Casey shrugs, plays with the napkin on the table, an old habit he's had since as far back as Luke can remember. “The preliminary hearing is this afternoon.”

Working on Christmas Eve wasn't fun but it wasn't like Casey hadn't ever had to before.

“I'm not getting it. You've been working for this, Case.”

Casey sighs, eyes sad when he meets Luke's concerned gaze. “It's Maggie's first Christmas show. Her preschool class is performing.”

That would explain it.

“Casey. You'll have tons of more chances to go to recitals, Christmas pageants, fairs.” He rubs a hand over his friends shoulder. “It's okay.”

Casey shakes his head. “It's not. I love my job. You know that.”

“I do.”

“But sometimes I just --”

“Just what?” Luke prods gently. Casey is the person he loves most in the world that isn't blood related and he hates to see him down in any way. He'd worked hard to get the life he had.

“I think if this is worth it. Missing the little parts of Maggie's life doesn't seem important right now but --”

Luke shakes his head. “Don't beat yourself up, Casey. You're a great father. You're an awesome husband.”

“When I don't have to run out of town for a case or work all hours and miss dinner or Maddie's birthday.” His cheeks stain red and Luke feels his heart hurt a little.

“Maddie understands, though. She's in the same place.”

Casey snorts. “Which is worse, Luke. Her hours at the hospital make it hard for both of us to spend any time together or with Maggie. I just -- sometimes I wish --”

“For something else.”

He receives a half smile and Casey's signature shrug. “Or to have enough time to do it all, man.”

Luke gives him a sympathetic look, pats Casey's hand once. “Don't we all.” He frowns, thinks about his schedule. “Did you want -- I mean, I'm just her godfather but do you want --”

Casey grins at him, eyes lightening up in the process. “Maddie will be there. She's taking video but thanks for the almost offer. Ow.” He rubs at the arm Luke punched. “That hurt, asshole.”

Luke smirks. “So if Maddie is there why the big drama, Hughes?”

The smile that graced Casey's face falls slightly as he glances at Luke. “Because it's not the same. I won't have the memory.” He gives Luke that probing look that's becoming too common. It makes Luke want to squirm in his seat.

“Stop that.”

“I'm just concerned about you.”

“Are we seriously doing this again?”

It's a conversation they've been having more and more in the last year. Luke loves that Casey and Maddie worry about him. He gets that they want him to be happy (which he totally is, he _is_ ) but he can only take the “you need to find someone” speech so many times before he wants to strangle them.

Because he _does_ have someone.

Casey studies Luke's face closely. “Don't get that pout, Snyder. I know you better than you think.”

“Casey. I'm fine. I'm happy.”

“You need someone.”

Luke rolls his eyes. “I have Chris. Remember him?”

Casey snorts hard. “Yeah, I do. But that's not what I mean. What about a family, Luke? Marriage?” He pauses to fiddle with his fingers. “Love?”

Luke starts to protest about that because he loves Chris. Sort of. They work on the levels that Luke can handle and that's what he likes.

“Case. Not everyone can be like you and Maddie. Some of us don't get to have it all.”

Casey nods, looking away as he quietly says, “I know that.” He meets Luke's eyes. “But it's okay to _want_ more.”

He doesn't get to respond because Parker shows up with Luke's chai and the most insane hot chocolate decorated with what looks like a can of whip cream, chocolate sauce, white chocolate shavings and a chocolate bar. Casey's eyes go wide when Parker sets it in front of him, grin manic.

Luke gives his cousin a thumbs up and tries not to cringe as Casey takes his first swallow. He makes a happy sound. Mission accomplished. Sipping at his own drink, he tries not to think about the last thing Casey had said.

Wanting more wasn't really an option for Luke.

 

\--

 

Luke stares at the display of handbags covering the entire wall. He can't see the one Parker described.

“Well, if it isn't my favorite Snyder man?” Lisa says from behind him. Luke smiles widely at her as he turns around.

“I bet you say that to all the Snyder men.”

Lisa throws her head back, hugs him hard before pulling away. “Only to the really handsome ones, I swear.” She looks him up and down, grins at him. “How are you, doll? Have you spoken to that father of yours? He hasn't called me in too long.”

Luke ignores that flare of annoyance at Damian's mention. He may not hate his biological father like he once did but they're never going to be what Damian wants them to be.

“I spoke to him a few days ago. He's in Milan. Apparently Rosanna rented a villa there for their anniversary.” He shares a look with Lisa, the same one he thinks everyone does when they think about the pairing of Damian and Rosanna.

“That sounds lovely.”

Luke stifles a laugh at the face Lisa makes. “My response exactly.” He glances back at the display. “Actually, Lisa, I was looking for this handbag but in black. You wouldn't happen to have some in the back?” He gives her his best hopeful look and she pats his face, giggling.

“You're a charming one, Luciano. Let me check.”

He peruses the aisles, finding a scarf for Meg, and checking her off his mental shopping list. If Lisa finds the bag for Faith then that's two done.

Only a million and one Snyders to go.

His phone vibrates in his pocket, makes him jump and he sets down the silver earrings he was contemplating for his Grandmother, smiling when he reads the display.

“Hey, Dad.”

“Hello yourself, kiddo.” Holden says and Luke can hear the smile in his voice. “What are you doing right now?”

“Shopping.”

“You sound thrilled by it, too.” Holden laughs. “Well, that answers my question.”

Luke sees Lisa reappear at the front of the boutique, the black bag in her hand and he returns her gesture with a thumbs up. She sets the bag behind the counter for him then moves over to Vienna and Henry.

“What question was that?”

“Want to come help your old man shop tonight?”

Luke laughs, shakes his head as he makes his way to the register. “Oh, no. I love you, Dad, but no way in hell am I going anywhere near stores the night before Christmas. It's bad enough now and it's barely ten in the morning.”

Holden harrumphs which Luke finds hysterical but knows better than to make any sort of amused sound.

“So what you're saying is I need to get moving?”

“You needed to get moving _yesterday_ , Dad.” Luke crinkles his nose at the horrific dress the woman in front of him is buying. He's nowhere near a fashion guru but if he thinks something is ugly, it's got to be _ugly_. “If it helps I don't need you to buy me anything. I just have a request.”

“What kind of request?” Holden sounds suspicious and well. He should be.

“Mom is coming to dinner tomorrow at the farm. With Mike.”

“Right.”

“I thought -- I know you say you don't care but -- I don't want you to be alone.”

“I'm not alone. I have you kids.”

“Dad.”

“Luke. I'll be fine.”

He takes a deep breath. “Would you at least consider asking Camille? Natalie told me she doesn't have a lot of family here.”

“Hey. You know how you _hate_ it when your mother tries to set you up?”

Yeah. He didn't think that would work.

“Fine. I'll shut up.”

The silence says so many different things to him. Luke and Holden have their own language, at least that what's his mother says and he can interpret everything his dad isn't saying.

“I love you for worrying, son, but I'm fine.”

“You've got it all, right?”

“Exactly. I have everything I need.”

He steps up in line, hands Lisa his credit card and watches her as she rings him up.

“I guess I better get to the joys of consumerism as Natalie has started calling it. You coming by tonight?”

Luke grabs his purchases, kisses Lisa's cheek and waves a silent goodbye as he walks out of the store. “Maybe. Probably. I have to hit Dr. Dixon's party tonight.”

Holden snorts, loudly and Luke scowls. “Lucinda manage to corral you, did she?”

“Shut up, Dad.” Luke weaves around the customers milling over every square of Old Town. “How did you manage to avoid it?”

“Charm, kid. Charm.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Don't pout, son. Doesn't suit you.”

“You are a cruel father, Holden Snyder.”

Holden speaks through his laughter. “I'll see you tonight. Call if you can't make it. Love you.”

“I love you, too, Dad.”

Luke snaps his cell closed, checks the time and realizes he won't be making it into the office before his lunch with Chris. He pulls open his phone as he steps into the bookstore.

He really is starting to hate this holiday.

 

\--

 

Of course Chris would chose Al's as the place to have Christmas Eve lunch with him. Luke shakes his head, not bothering to look at the menu. He glances around the nearly packed room. Most everyone shopping in Old Town decided to eat there.

His gaze stops on the small family sitting across from his booth and he can't help the smile as he watches the two little girls giggling together. It reminds him of his sisters and he misses them sharply. He can't remember the last time they spent more than a couple of hours at dinner. The ache he manages to keep at bay pulses in his chest.

“Hey. Sorry I'm late.”

Chris drops a quick kiss on his cheek, slipping into the seat opposite Luke. He's talking on his phone, giving instructions to someone and Luke watches him. It's like every other lunch and dinner. One of them on the phone while the other waits. Their talk is generally about work. It's... not enough, he thinks.

Luke looks out of the window, watches the snow falling in large, fat flakes and that ache grows...

“-- so I can't stay for more than a quick bite. I'm sorry.”

Chris gives him a quick smile before motioning for the waitress, to place their orders. Luke manages to keep his words until she's gone off to get them their food.

“Do you think--”

He meets Chris' curious stare, shrugs the rest of the question out. “Where do you see us going?”

That gets Chris' attention, brow rising as he blinks at Luke. “I take it you don't mean for Christmas?”

Luke shakes his head. “Don't you want more?”

Chris stops to think then slowly shakes his head. “We're good, Luke. We have something that works for us. I mean, you're happy, aren't you?”

“I wouldn't say I'm _unhappy_...”

“Good. Then we're fine.” Chris gives him that fast grin again and Luke wants to argue but he doesn't know how to explain it. He was the one who had pushed for the boundaries in whatever it was he and Chris had.

“Yeah, I guess.”

It's the damn holiday that's making him act like a moron.

It'll pass.

 

\--

 

“Lovely of you to grace us with your presence, boss man.” Liberty takes his coat and briefcase while Luke deposits his million and one bags on one of the couches. “I was starting to think you were actually going to take the day off like I said you should. Good to know you still don't listen to sound advice.” Her grin is wide and she winks at him.

Luke laughs, slaps at the plush antlers on her head. “I swear I'm going to fire you one of these days.”

“If you want me to end up incarcerated for killing you, you will, sure.” Hunter says as he strolls through the door, dumping the stack of files in his arms on Luke's desk, smirking as he does. “I mean, that would make my mother and sister upset which would in turn make your brother upset, not to mention the rest of the Snyders and it's just -- we would never want that, would we?”

“See? Nepotism.” Liberty makes a little cheerleading gesture.

Luke glances from one to the other. “What did I ever do to deserve the two of you?”

“You are a lucky bastard.” Hunter nods before finally grinning. “In all seriousness, Luke, what are you doing here?”

“Um...it's my office? Hi, I run the company.”

Hunter and Liberty exchange a look before turning their gazes back at him. Luke sighs, head dropping forward as he says, “Not you two as well.”

The phone rings and Liberty presses a button on her wireless phone, walking out to her desk as she starts to talk, leaving Luke with Hunter and a pile of papers.

He shifts through them and ignores Hunter's stare.

“You just seem...”

Luke looks up. “What?”

“Less.” Hunter shakes his head, waves a hand at Luke and apologizes. “I – I apologize. That's not even anywhere near appropriate for the work place. I'll just – right. These are all for the end of the year reports the accounting department is going to need. I've got it all organized and tallied up. Can you look them over? If there's anything that looks like a glaring omission, let me know and I'll fix it. Otherwise, just sign on the dotted lines and I will take care of the rest.”

It's an intimidating looking stack if he's honest.

“They aren't due today, Luke.” Hunter sounds amused so Luke thinks the fear is showing on his face. “Before the first of the year. Oh. Um, also, Liberty did get a hold of Mr. Forbes. He accepted the delay. Meeting has been rescheduled for the third.”

This is why he keeps Hunter around. The guy is socially awkward but he can fix any problem given time. Liberty is the charm. It's why they save his life every day.

“So, I'm free.”

“Yes, for the rest of the day.”

Liberty walks back in, nose scrunched up as she talks, “Well, I'm not sure, Mrs. Snyder, let me check to see if he's still in the meeting. Thanks.” She gives him a questioning look and Luke closes his eyes, breathes and nods his okay. “Hold on, Mrs. Snyder, here he is.”

She transfers the call then heads toward Hunter, gesturing emphatically and Luke raises an eyebrow at her stutter when Hunter touches her shoulder as they walk out the door.

“Merry Christmas, Mom.”

“You too, sweetie. I just wanted to call and make sure you were going to be there tomorrow?”

Luke nods. “Of course I am.”

“Will you be bringing Chris?” Her voice sounds tight and Luke ignores it. He doesn't like her boyfriend, it's only really fair she hates his. He doesn't understand why but he never asks.

“Probably not. He has his own family event to attend.”

“Hmmm.”

Luke doesn't want to know what that means. “You bringing Mike?”

“Of course I am.”

There's a long silence where he refuses to even dignify that with any kind of reaction but his mother has never learned to leave well enough alone.

“I wish you could give him a chance.”

It's not going to happen, not when he has to look at his dad's face every time his mother enters any room with someone else. Holden says he's over her but it's a lie. The only one he thinks his dad has ever told him. Sometimes, he still hopes they'll come around. Other times, he can't imagine wanting them to inflict the kind of pain they did on each other again.

“It's your life, Mother.”

The door opens and Lucinda sticks her head through the door, making Luke grin wide. He waves her in before turning his attention back to whatever his mother was saying.

“-- he's a great guy, Luke. I think you'll hit it off.”

 _Oh, for the love of..._

“Mom. No. No setting me up with anyone. I _have_ a boyfriend.” He ignores the eye roll that gets from Lucinda. “I don't want to meet anyone.”

“But --”

“Mom, I have to go. There's a crisis down the hall I need to take care of. I'll see you tomorrow. Love you. Bye.” He disconnects the call and gives his grandmother a pleading look.

She laughs quietly, shrugging elegantly as she perches on the edge of his couch. “Well, at least she and that useless biological father of yours have stopped trying to get you to meet women. That is a positive.”

Luke groans, trying to forget the last time Damian had pulled that and the subsequent fight that Hunter still deemed the Epic Battle of 2012.

“You have a good point there.” He smiles widely at her, noting the glow in her eyes. He likes that Dr. Dixon managed to get the great Lucinda Walsh to do that. “Not that I don't love seeing you, Grandmother, but what do I owe this lovely visit to?”

“Oh. Liberty called to find out directions to John's tonight and I figured I could drop them by.” She stands, rifles through her handbag, pulling out a sheet of paper and hands it to him. He takes it, reading quickly, and looks up to thank her when he catches the look on her face.

“What?”

She smiles a little sadly, touches his face gently. “I just -- I got a flash of you when you were sixteen just now.”

Luke half smiles at her. “You know that's a possible sign of insanity, Grandmother.”

“Oh, be quiet, young man. I was having a moment.”

He laughs and takes her hand, kisses her knuckles softly. “Sorry. What was the flash?”

“We were in my office and you were telling me about the writing program you were starting that summer. Do you remember that?”

That ache is back but he shoves it aside, lets her hand drop away. “Vaguely. That was a long time ago, Grandmother.”

“I know. You wanted so much then.”

Luke nods. “Maybe. But I have all I need.”

“Do you?”

It takes him by surprise when his mind's first response is _no, not at all_ but he ignores it and winks up at his Grandmother. “Absolutely.”

 

\--

 

He lets Liberty and Hunter go home early. They have parties to attend and throw, it's only fair. Luke stays late working on getting the pile on his desk to a manageable level. He doesn't want to come in after the holidays to a sea of paper.

He loses track of time and when he glances at his watch it's nearing eight o'clock.

“Shit.”

He won't be making it to John's before nine if he doesn't hurry. He gathers all his things, silently happy that Liberty and Hunter had taken care of his shopping bags before leaving and closes up.

The snow falling now isn't like the one from this morning, it's coming down in an unrelenting sheet of white, sticking to the streets like glue. The wind makes it seem like it's dropping from all sides. Luke regrets his promise to go to the party but he's halfway there. He can't make out any of the street signs, doesn't even recognize them and why the hell did Dr. Dixon live all the way out in the freaking boonies of Oakdale?

The wipers are working overtime, shoving away the onslaught of snow and Luke blinks to focus on the patch of road. He lets out a relieved sigh when he sees the street he needs to turn on. He glances down at the paper for the house address...

The blare of the horn makes him look back to the road and he sees the truck coming toward him.

“Oh, fuck...”

He jerks the wheel to move out of the way, the tires skidding and sliding on the snow and ice. Luke's heart rises to his throat and he struggles to keep control of the car. He feels the impact before his brain registers the lamp post, his head hitting the steering wheel. He can hear the car's alarm blaring, the sound fading in and out.

Minutes tick by and he can't quite move yet.

The door on his side is opened, the car is turned off and Luke rolls his head to look up at his rescuer.

He really hopes this isn't his head injury because -- wow. The face etched with concern is beautiful, blue eyes round and worried. His stomach clenches tight then starts to somersault when the guy reaches into the car and hauls him into a hug. “Oh my god. I heard the crash and almost had a heart attack. Are you okay?”

Luke would protest but the guy is warm and smells _really_ good -- like cookies and spice. He can hug, too. Luke wants to burrow in some more but the rational part of his mind starts to kick in. Before he can say anything, the man pulls back, touches his face, thumbing over his forehead.

“You got a cut, baby. Let's go inside and clean it up.”

Luke isn't against going indoors somewhere. It's cold and his head is killing him... _did the guy just say “baby”?_ He pulls back, feet unsteady and he feels a hand at his back, holding him. His words catch in his throat when he sees the car.

It's not wrecked but --

“Where's my car?”

The guy's brow furrows, pointing to the SUV smashed against the tree. “Right there?”

Luke shakes his head. That's not his Jag. He steps back, glances down at himself and does a double take. He's wearing jeans and an old Henley, not the Prada suit he remembers putting on before leaving the office. “Where are my clothes?”

This isn't -- he doesn't understand this at all.

“Luke, you're freaking me out.”

“How do you know – um...okay. I don't -- I'm sorry. I appreciate the help but I don't even know you.”

He waves away the hand that reaches for him, sees the worry deepen in those really nice blue eyes. A frown pulls on the guy's face as he speaks quietly, “What are you -- this isn't funny, Snyder.”

Luke sees black spots in his vision, grabs the strangers hand when he reaches for him again. “I agree. Who are you? And how the hell do you know my name?”

“What do you mean who -- baby, it's me. Noah.” He's looking really freaked out now and Luke feels a little bad about that but really, this joke or whatever isn't in any way amusing. He's never seen this guy -- _Noah_ \-- before in his life.

He would have remembered.

“Noah?” Luke tilts forward, Noah catching him and running one hand gently over his head, giving him a strained smile.

“Yes. Noah. Remember? Love of your life. The other father of our kids. Your husband.”

 _Husband._

Luke can't focus, Noah's face is becoming blurry...

 _Husband._

His eyes roll to the back of his head and everything goes dark.

 

\--

 

He's warm.

That's the first thing he realizes as he wakes.

He's warm and comfortable, half covered by a soft blanket. There's quiet muttering in the room and when he breathes it smells familiar. Like gingerbread cookies. The ones his Grandma Emma makes for the holidays.

Luke feels relief wash over him at that because he has to be at the farm.

“Luke?”

Luke scowls, his eyes still firmly closed. That's not a voice he knows. Well, at least not longer than the two minutes he heard it while he stood outside in the snow with a head injury that has apparently made him crazy.

“I know you're not sleeping.”

There's a soft caress over his head and Luke's body thrums from the contact.

 _What the hell...?_

He opens his eyes to find those same blue eyes giving him that concerned look again. Why did the figment of his imagination have to be so fucking pretty?

Luke tries to stand up but he feels dizzy almost immediately and lies back, groaning, “Okay. Maybe not.”

“Yeah. I think you scrambled your brains a little, babe.” He gets a warm, bright smile that makes his insides thaw some. There's a mug of what looks like tea sitting on the coffee table. “I made some tea to warm you up.” Noah -- Luke is certain that's his name -- touches his face gently. “You scared the hell out of me.”

Luke pulls away, scoots forward and forces his body up, never mind how it makes him want to throw up. “Look, dude. I don't know _what_ game you're playing but this _isn't_ funny, okay? I _don't_ have a husband. _These_ aren't my clothes. _That_ ,” he points out the window, “is not my car. So stop whatever you're doing.”

Noah sits ramrod straight, gaze studying Luke carefully. “You're really scared.”

Luke glares at him. “I never said that.” His voice is icy at the edge. “I just want _my_ clothes and _my_ car back.”

“Baby --”

“ _Stop_ calling me that.”

Noah shakes his head, mouth open to respond when there's a loud sound coming from the stairs and then two kids appear in the entryway, a little girl Luke thinks can't be more than four and a boy of eight holding her hand. The little girl has blond curls and brown eyes. He know those eyes.

The kids look back and forth between him and Noah until the boy's stare settles on Noah. “What happened to Dad?” Luke's eyes widen and he can't really breathe. He drops down on the armchair next to him.

Wait...what...he...

His mind is flying at a million miles a minute, trying to take in everything around him. This isn't real.

“It's okay, buddy. Dad just got into a small accident.”

The little girl makes a scared noise and drops the boy's hand, running toward Luke. “Are you okay, Daddy?” Her small hands frame his face, make his chest ache.

Whatever the hell this is, it's not playing fair.

He lets out a hysterical laugh, looking over at Noah. Something in his face must register with him because Noah stands and reaches out to the little girl, pulling her closer to him. “Come here, Ladybug. I need you to do something for me, okay?” He kneels in front of her, blocking her view of Luke.

“Of course I can. What do you want me to do, Daddy?”

“Go with Donovan, okay?”

Luke watches her make a face that is so familiar he swears he could be looking in a mirror but in the end, she nods and moves back towards the boy. He's watching Luke quietly, wary and more than a little scared. It makes Luke want to hug him but he remains where he sits.

“Donnie?”

Donovan takes his eyes off of Luke and looks at Noah. “Yes, Dad?”

“Why don't you and Lucy go to the kitchen? Get a snack. Do me a favor and call Dr. Wilson, okay? Ask her to come by.”

Donovan glances once at Luke then reaches out for Lucy before shuffling down the hall and into a door that Luke assumes leads to the kitchen. Noah waits for the door to shut before standing and turning to look at him.

“You really don't remember? Anything?”

Luke shakes his head, rubs his hand down his face as he stands up. “None of this. No. I know who I am. Where I was born. I remember the first time I broke a bone. When Julie Mann kissed me in the fifth grade and I realized that, yeah, that wasn't something I wanted to repeat.” That brings a smile to Noah's face, his eyes lightening slightly and that throws Luke off for a moment before he recovers. “But I don't remember you. Or this house. Or those kids, no matter how cute they are.”

Noah's face falls and he seems to be trying to keep it together. “What's the last thing you remember? Before the crash?”

“I was headed to a party at Dr. Dixon's house.”

Noah frowns. “At John's house?”

Luke blinks because how the hell...?

“Dad, Dr. Wilson wants to talk with you.” Donovan's says loudly from the kitchen.

Noah's eyes don't stray from Luke's as he calls out. “I'll be right there.” He makes a calming gesture toward Luke. “Okay, just. We'll fix this. Stay there.” He hurries down the hall and through the door. Luke keeps his gaze locked on it as he reaches for his coat, pulls it on, and quietly heads to the front door. The keys to the SUV are on the table and he grabs them, making it outside without anyone stopping him.

The van is parked in the driveway and the damage is superficial from what Luke can see. Not that he knows anything about those kinds of things. He takes a deep breath, opens the door and gets in, fastening his seat belt as he starts the ignition.

Noah appears at the door to the house, yelling out his name as Luke backs out and takes off down the street.

He needs to figure out what the hell is going on.

 

\--

 

Luke's first instinct is to go the farm but it's too long a drive and he's still feeling the after effects of the accident. He pulls over twice from the dizziness. He panics until he remembers that Liberty lives close by. She would help him.

It's how he finds himself in front of her apartment building, entering when someone else leaves. She's on the second floor and he breathes in deeply as he climbs the stairs. There's a colorful wreath on her door, purple and silver, and it makes him feel better seeing that bit of someone he recognizes.

He knocks loudly, holding himself tense as he waits.

The door opens with a flourish and it takes a minute for Luke's mind to catch up to what he sees.

“Luke!” Liberty throws her arms around him, hug tight, grinning when she pulls back. “What are you doing here?”

“I -- wow.” He touches her very short hair, the deep red color streaked with some silver. “This is new.”

She pats her head and laughs. “I forgot you haven't seen the new cut.” She makes a funny face, spreading her arms wide as she says, “What do you think?”

“It's you, that's for sure. Did you get it done this afternoon?”

Liberty gives him a strange look as she closes the door and ushers him inside. “No. I've had it like this for a while.”

“But this morning --”

“Who was it, Lib?”

Hunter stops in his tracks when he sees Luke, smiling wide. “Luke. What in the world?” He gets another hug as he enters the room. Hunter looks different, too. Luke can't place why, really. There's a small crowd of people gathered in the living room. Some call out his name as he enters, others just wave. Luke only knows Kenny from accounting who raises his glass at him before turning back to his conversation.

“Quite a crowd.”

“It really is.” Hunter hands him a glass of sparkling cider and Luke sips it, feeling less out of sorts.

“Is Noah parking the car?”

Luke chokes on his drink, sputtering out a cough and stepping away from an alarmed Hunter. “Hey, you okay?” He glances at Liberty and they have a silent conversation over his head.

“Wait -- did you --”

“Luke, where's Noah?”

Luke shakes his head. “I don't understand. How do you know Noah?”

They exchange another look, Liberty reaching forward to take Luke's hand. “Why wouldn't we know him, Luke?”

“Because he's not real!”

Liberty looks shocked. “What?”

“I don't have a husband, okay? This is just -- I don't even know what this is.”

Hunter's eyes widen at Luke's outburst, the room falling silent, his words ringing out.

“Oh my god. Are you guys getting a divorce?” Someone Luke can't see says from the living room and he turns to glare at them.

“You can't divorce someone when you haven't _married_ them.” Luke spits out, scowling at Hunter and Liberty. “This joke isn't funny.”

He doesn't wait for Liberty to say anything, turning on his heels and slamming his way out of the apartment. He takes the steps two at a time, racing back to the car.

He doesn't know where to go now.

 

\--

 

He might not know but the van apparently does and he finds himself in front of Chris' building. He can see the lights are on in his duplex and he relaxes a fraction. They may not have the most conventional relationship but he knows Chris. That will be enough for now.

He climbs out, running up the path, sliding on the new fallen snow. He holds on to the railing, reaching the door without tumbling and he thinks maybe it's a sign of things turning around for him. He knocks three times, teeth starting to chatter from the cold.

Being cold means this isn't a dream which really just sucks.

The door opens and Luke meets Chris' surprised gaze. He smiles when he sees him, though, which makes Luke almost kiss him from relief.

“Luke. What in the world? Get inside.” Chris pulls him in and without thinking Luke hugs him. Chris tenses for a moment before returning the gesture, pulling back with a befuddled expression. “Are you okay?”

He's really sick of people asking him that question.

“No, I don't think I am.”

Chris looks really worried and it's so familiar that Luke can't help kissing him to keep that feeling going. There's no response from Chris when Luke touches their mouths together.

“This is new.”

Luke pulls back abruptly, gaze falling on the stairs to look up at a man he doesn't know, robe loosely tied, brown curly hair going in all directions. He gives Chris a look before walking down towards them. Luke notices that Chris' appearance is similar and he blinks a couple of times.

“Wait. I don't.” Chris was -- He turns to the guy whose smirking face Luke feels he should punch. “Are you sleeping with this guy?”

Chris' eyes go wide and he looks over at the guy before meeting Luke's glare. “Um...yeah.”

“Since _when_?”

Chris blinks, gives him the strangest look. “Are you serious?”

The other guy steps forward, standing next to Chris with enough intent that Luke realizes whatever this is didn't just happen. “I'm not exactly the jealous type --” Chris snorts but is ignored -- “but I don't particularly _like_ it when other men fondle Chris. Especially exes. Exes who are seemingly _happily_ married to someone I don't hate.”

Luke takes a step back. “So -- he's really --” He looks at Chris, shaking his head. “I'm really married?”

“Um...of course you are.”

“To Noah?”

“Yes.” Chris takes another step toward him, grips his arm tight and steers him to the couch. “You don't -- why would you ask?”

“I don't remember.”

“You don't _remember_?” The other guy asks, his face showing subtle signs of concern and there's another pair of people having silent conversations about him while he watches. Luke glances up at him and shakes his head.

“When I woke up this morning, I was dating Chris. I lived in a condo and drove a Jag. There was a party I was headed to and then I crash into a lamp post and I come to with a husband and kids and a life I don't even know.”

Chris puts a hand on his shoulder. “Okay. Back up. You had a car accident?”

Luke nods.

“Did you hit your head?”

“Of course I did. I had an _accident_!”

Chris glances up at the guy who's hovering now, his gaze fixed on Luke's face. “Reid.”

Reid just nods then heads up the stairs, stopping half-way to turn and point at Luke. “Do not move. I'm calling Noah then I'm coming back down to see what kind of damage we're dealing with.” He disappears and Luke looks over at Chris.

“He can -- he's a doctor?”

Chris frowns. “You don't remember Reid?”

Luke rolls his eyes. “I don't know my supposed husband and children, Chris. Of course I don't know this Reid guy.”

“Right. Sorry. Yes. He's a neurologist, actually.”

“And you two are...” He doesn't really know how to end that so he guesses, “Married? Dating?”

Chris shrugs, not looking right at Luke. “We don't -- there's no --” He sighs, glancing up the stairs before finally meeting Luke's eyes. “You call him my essential person.”

Luke blinks at Chris.

Of course he does.

 

\--

 

It takes Luke ten minutes to decide that Reid is an ass. It takes him another ten to realize he's a really good doctor. Luke sits patiently (well, he only bitches a couple of times a minute so for him that's _pretty_ good) while Reid checks his pupils, listens to his heart (which he has no idea what that has to do with his _brain_ ), and checks the cut on his head.

According to him, there isn't any significant injury, at least nothing that would account for Luke's amnesia or whatever is going on. He gives Luke a suspicious glare when he says that. Like Luke is making it up.

He thinks he should hate the guy. Even if he's married and no longer with Chris, it was just this morning, at least in Luke's head, that they were together. Plus, he thinks Luke's a liar or something, so. He should want to hit the guy.

But damn if he doesn't actually begrudgingly like the son of a bitch. It's probably the way he runs his hand over Chris' head as he walks by him and the look Chris gives him that makes Luke actually not hate him completely. He'd never fooled himself into thinking he was in love with Chris.

But Chris had been his friend. He likes his friends happy.

Reid is talking into his phone, back turned to him and Chris.

“You guys have a strange friendship.”

Luke raises an eyebrow. “Really?”

Chris nods. “Yeah. You mostly tolerate him because of Noah...but you've told me on more than one occasion that you like Reid more than you will admit to him. Ever.”

At the mention of Noah, Luke tenses, searching Chris' eyes when he asks, “Did we break up because of Reid or Noah?”

He gets a smile, the flash of dimples. “Neither. You and I were finished long before you met Noah. As for Reid, you were --”

“And Noah really is my husband?”

Chris nods again. “I don't think that's going to change no matter how many times you ask, Luke.”

Luke lets his head fall forward, cradling it in his hands. “It's so surreal, Chris. I have a husband. Kids. A house, probably. I don't know this life.”

“It's a good life.”

When he looks up, Chris is smiling. “When we were together, there was always something, missing, I guess is the word. And you weren't unhappy. But...”

Luke nods because that is a fact he knows.

“You're happy.”

“I am?”

Chris grins. “Yes. You are. You have great kids. You're doing what you always loved to do. And then there's Noah.”

Luke flashes to blue eyes and that killer smile. His stomach does a flip. “There's Noah.”

“He's hot.”

Luke laughs for the first time since he woke up in this strange world.

There's the smallest burst of warmth in his chest when the bell rings and Reid walks toward the door to open it. He doesn't understand anything but he knows Chris.

He wouldn't lie.

Noah fills up the doorway, gaze finding Luke and his face loses its sharpness, tension fading away as he lights up. “Hi.”

Some instinct he doesn't know makes him get up and reach for Noah, hugging him, tightening his hold when Noah sighs deeply. “I'm sorry I took off like that. It's just --” He pulls away and points to his head. “This is all, you know?”

Noah nods, squeezes his waist once before dropping his hands. “I get that you don't know this life. Reid explained that what you remember is back when you were dating Chris?”

They sit down and Luke retells Noah everything about waking up that morning single and in a completely different life. He watches Noah take it all in, nodding and touching Luke's hand when it gets too confusing for him to talk. It's like being grounded, the feel of Noah's hand on him. It's something his body knows even if Luke doesn't.

Reid looks down at the notes he's been taking while Luke talked. “So, last you remember was -- 2013? That's almost a decade.”

Luke adds it up in his head, sharp intake of air making everyone look at him. “Sorry. It's just. I'm in my thirties, Jesus.”

There's a pause and then Chris starts laughing, head shaking as he looks at a smirking Reid. “Well, at least his personality is the same.”

Luke meets Noah's smiling eyes, feels it deep in his gut and swallows hard.

 

\--

 

Reid says Luke is fine. At least physically, anyway. That whatever is going on is probably due to post trauma. The accident had scrambled some of his memories. They would come back eventually though Reid couldn't predict when. He wasn't calling it amnesia.

“You aren't lost to yourself. Just confused. It'll pass.”

Luke wishes he could be that confidant. Noah fiddles with the radio station to fill in the silent car ride as Luke pulls out his wallet, looking at his driver's license for the nth time. It had been the first thing Chris had made him look at.

 _Luke Snyder-Mayer._

The car stops, making Luke glance up and he sees the house, lit up from the inside. He wishes that he would get a flash of this life so he could know he wasn't crazy. But he gets nothing. Not from the house. Not from the man next to him. Not from anything.

“It'll come back.”

Luke smiles softly at the sureness in Noah's voice. “I hope so.” And he does. He wants to remember, to know that this whole existence is real. It's his.

Noah nods. “That's enough for now.”

He grabs for Luke's hand, twining their fingers together and it sends tingles up Luke's arm.

Luke misses it when Noah lets him go.

The door opens and a young teenage girl Luke doesn't know steps out, pulling on her coat. “I saw the car from the window.” She waves her hand at Noah when he reaches for his wallet. “You can get me later. It's okay.” Her eyes fall on Luke and she smiles, pats his shoulder as she walks by, “I'm really glad you're back, Mr. Snyder.”

“Thanks.”

He watches as she turns down the sidewalk and over one house, disappearing inside.

They walk into the quiet house and Luke stops short by the entrance to the living room. Noah pauses right behind him, heat radiating down Luke's back and he ignores it as best he can.

Donovan is sitting on the couch, watching television and looks up when he hears them. He smiles at Luke for the first time as he gets up from his seat, moving to Luke and hugging his waist. “You came back.”

Luke holds him tightly, heart expanding in his chest and he drops a kiss onto Donovan's soft hair. “Of course I did.” He can sense Noah watching him but he doesn't look. He's not ready for what it means that he wants to.

Noah's voice is soft when he grabs Donovan by the shoulders and steers him to the stairs. “Time for bed, kiddo. Dad will be here in the morning.” He sends Luke a quick look. “Come on.” He heads up the stairs with _their_ son -- Jesus Christ -- and Luke keeps his gaze on them. They stop at the top and he hears a quick “Love you, Dad.”

Luke freezes, the words he should respond with stuck in his throat but luckily Noah hurries Donovan away. He bends at the waist, hands on his knees as he tries not to panic. After a minute of deep breathing, he can stand again, taking off his coat and chucking it on a nearby chair.

He moves along the room, trying to get his bearings. There are pictures lining the walls and Luke studies them carefully. He smiles at the ones of the kids at different ages. He picks up the one of his sisters and brother -- it's blowing his mind how grown up they look. There's one of Aaron and a girl he doesn't know at all -- long, black hair. Gorgeous. It looks like a wedding photo.

“That was a nice day.”

He jumps at the sound of Noah's voice, turning to give him a guilty look. “Sorry.”

“For what? It's okay to want to know, Luke.” Noah is holding some blankets and a pillow.

“Are those for me?”

Noah looks down at his hands, smiles as he shakes his head. “Nope. These are for me. I figured you'd be more comfortable if I slept down here tonight. Or until, you know.”

Luke frowns, feeling horrible about the whole situation. “Noah. No. I can sleep down here. I don't want to take your bed.”

Noah shrugs. “It's your bed, too.” He meets Luke's stare and there's fear in his eyes but he seems to shake it off, motioning to a door on the opposite end of the room. “Besides, I've still got more presents to wrap. I'll be down here a while.”

He thinks for a moment before asking. “Do you need help?”

Noah's smile, slow and sweet, makes Luke's heart flutter and his stomach clench. He thinks he really likes it. “That would be great.”

 

\--

 

Luke wakes up to a shaking bed and for a minute he thinks maybe it was all a dream.

“Merry Christmas, Daddy.”

He stifles the groan that he wants to give, pulls his head out from under the covers and stares up at the smiling face of his daughter. (He really doesn't think he's going to get used to that.)

She's smiling at him, reflection of his own face, and that's just too freaky to comprehend this early in the morning without coffee. “Merry Christmas, pumpkin.” It comes out naturally and he pauses as he says it but the grin he gets tell him that was the right thing to say.

There's another dip in the bed and Luke turns to find Donovan on his other side. “You remember yet, Dad?”

Luke shakes his head. “'Fraid not, kiddo.”

“He called me pumpkin, Donnie!”

Donovan gives him a probing look, one Luke thinks he must get from his other father before stating, “That's what you always call her. You sure you don't remember?”

There's two sets of eyes staring at him intently and he resists the urge to hide under the comforter. He's the adult in this equation.

“I'm sorry, guys. I wish I did.”

He really does. Because that would at least mean he wasn't insane. Or a time traveler or whatever.

“Okay, you two, that's enough. Let your father have some coffee first. You know better.” They look at each other and then back at Luke before nodding.

“Oh, yeah. Forgot.” Donovan giggles, climbing down from the bed.

Lucy struggles, almost falling, and Luke immediately scoots forward, leaning over the edge to hold her steady until she's got both feet on the ground. She kisses his cheek before running after her brother.

Noah is standing at the door with a mug in his hands, hiding his grin. He walks to the bed, sets the cup on the bedside table and leans down to kiss Luke. It's quick, an everyday gesture Luke supposes but his lips tingle after. He stares at Noah and sees when he realizes what he's done.

“Damn. I -- it's habit.”

Luke nods. “It's okay. I understand.”

Noah looks frustrated, not that Luke can blame him, because this has to be killing him. He backs away, motioning toward the door. “We'll wait until you come down, okay?”

He nods, watches him go with this strange sense of loss, and Luke thinks he needs to get it together.

He has two options: sulking about this situation he doesn't get or making the best of it until he does.

It's not like this life is bad.

He makes up his mind, grabbing his mug of coffee and heading into the bathroom to change.

Time to deal.

 

\--

 

It's scary that what took him and Noah two hours to wrap the night before can all be _unwrapped_ in less than twenty minutes. He sits on the couch, smiling wider and wider as presents are pulled out, exclaimed over. Each time Donovan or Lucy laughs it goes right to his chest. He knows what it's like -- these mornings -- from their end.

It's nice to know they were probably as enjoyable to his parents.

When Noah goes into the other room, Luke leans forward, his gaze on Donovan, waiting to see his reaction. It's as great as he wanted it to be, Donovan's eyes going wide when Noah returns with the bike he'd spent thirty minutes cursing at while putting together.

Luke found it really adorable, actually.

When the rush of opening the gifts is over, he surveys the room and sighs.

That's a lot of paper.

“Donovan, can you hand that one right there to your Dad?”

Luke blinks in surprise when he gets a present dropped on his lap. He glances at Noah who shrugs with a smile. “I know we said we weren't going to exchange any this year since we've got the big one-oh coming up but I know you, Snyder. There's no way you weren't getting me something.”

That sounds like him.

He chooses to ignore the panic at the “big one-oh” comment.

Noah flaps a hand at him and Luke laughs, opening the present. It's not heavy but it's not light either. He rips at the paper and stops when he sees the laptop box. He looks up at Noah.

“It's the one Hunter told you about. With that writing program you really wanted.” Noah's face seems flushed and Luke doesn't even know what to say.

Well, he does.

“Writing program?”

Noah nods. “You had such a hard time with the last one. I just wanted you to have whatever you needed.”

He wrote...

He was a writer.

“I'm a writer.”

The kids look at him and Donovan nods. “Best writer in the world.”

“Yep.” Lucy echoes with a large smile.

It's too much at once and he wants to flee.

This isn't supposed to be his life.

“Daddy, this one is for you from all of us.” Lucy hauls a huge box over, with Donovan's help. “We bought it together.”

Noah grins so wide that Luke has to blink. He opens the box, taking his time with it and Luke is vibrating by the time he has his hand inside. “Oh my god, come on.”

Noah laughs and pulls the gift out, cutting off when he sees the camera in his hand. He meets Luke's eyes. “Babe. No. You didn't.”

Luke starts to say that he hadn't but then -- he probably had. He makes an apologetic face. “What is it?”

“New camera I wanted.” He's like a little kid, flipping buttons and switches, his hand caressing the gift with a gentle touch. He pulls Lucy closer, kissing her cheek as she laughs. Then reaches for Donovan, doing the same and receiving a “Oh, come on, _Dad_.” He gives Luke that huge grin and leans forward, brushes his mouth over Luke's cheek. “Thank you.”

The doorbell rings before Luke can find the words to respond. He wants to touch Noah. Badly. It's just -- it's unexpected.

“How are my favorite pair of monsters this morning?”

Luke's eyes widen and he gets up, seeing Casey walk into the room and straight at Noah, hugging him hard. “Merry Christmas, man.” He pulls back, his face falling slightly when he looks at Noah. He glances over at Luke, smiling cautiously when he catches Luke's freaked out expression. “Hey. You okay?”

Noah shakes his head.

Maddie walks in and grins at Luke. Maggie (her face is exactly the same even at this age) follows Donovan into the room, waving at Luke. “Merry Christmas, Uncle Luke.”

Luke waves, his eyes falling on the little boy Maddie is holding on her hip.

Noah motions to Luke, pushing Casey into the kitchen. “Why don't you two go in there and talk.” Before Casey can protest, Luke nods fast, grabbing his best friend's hand and hauling him into the other room. Once there, he turns and clings to him.

“Whoa. Okay. What the hell is going on? Are you okay?”

Luke shakes his head against Casey's shoulders and tries to keep everything he's been bottling up at bay.

Casey is here.

That's all he needs for the moment.

 

\--

 

Casey stares at him for a good ten minutes when Luke tells him he can't remember his life. He thinks it's a joke until Noah walks in to get some drinks for the kids and confirms it for him. The sad tone in Noah's voice must be convincing because Casey just sits with a plop at the table. Luke takes the seat next to him and leans on his shoulder.

“Shit.”

“Exactly.”

Casey sighs. “So all you know is -- back when you worked for your father? Nothing else?”

Luke blinks at him.

Casey's eyes open wide. “ _Oh._ Crap. Noah didn't tell you yet?”

“I think he's trying not to push me. Scared that it might make things worse. Reid said I'd remember on my own... I don't work at World Wide anymore?”

“Not for almost ten years now actually. You quit.”

“I quit?”

“Yeah. Just decided to do something else with your life.”

“Writing.” He can hear the note of wonder in his own voice. It's something he'd dreamed off, kept to himself.

Casey grinned. “Eventually. You woke up one morning and decided to save yourself. And well, some of us, too.” His friend reaches over to hug him. “You're happy, man. You and Noah are -- well, you're kind of stupid about each other and make me sick. Seriously. Disgusting.”

Luke grins at that.

He can imagine it actually.

“This is really my life?”

Casey pauses, raises an eyebrow as he nods. “Yes.”

It's not possible. “I just -- I can't believe that.”

“Why not?”

“Casey, come on. This is _me_. I was never the guy that this happened to.”

“You can't be serious. Luke. You deserve everything you have.”

Luke shakes his head. He wasn't supposed to get the happy ending. Nothing in his life had been that easy.

“It's not -- I mean, who gets it all? Not me.”

“It wasn't like this dropped into your lap, Luke. You worked for the life you have. You and Noah... dude. Listen to me. I was there the day you met, okay? I saw the look on your face from across the room. ”

Luke snorts. “So I meet the love of my life, start writing and end up in this fantastic life with two incredible kids? Me? Luke Snyder?”

Casey looks at him, nods once. “That's more simply than I would have put it but essentially, yes. You. Luke Snyder.”

He can feel the hope rising inside and he gives Casey a probing look.

“This is real? Really real?”

Casey grins at him, one hand at the back of Luke's head and squeezes gently. “This is your life, Luke Snyder.”

It's so ridiculous that Luke laughs, feels it go through him and starts to believe.

 

\--

 

They wind their way up the farm's driveway slowly. There are way too many cars parked near the house. Luke wonders how many people come to these family events now. Who brings what person. He's not sure he wants to know and thinks that maybe they can celebrate at their house. Alone.

He doesn't think he can handle all his family. There are things he won't know and they'll freak out and ask questions.

“Noah?”

“Hmm?” He glances over at Luke as he undoes his seat belt.

“You think it'll be okay if we don't say anything to the family?”

Noah studies his face then nods his agreement. “If that's what you need, sure. Just -- if you get in trouble -- nudge me. I'll come rescue you.”

Luke grins. “My hero.”

Noah blushes and Luke likes that look on him, loves that he did it. The kids are out of the car already, halfway up the walk and they get out too, grabbing the bags of presents from the trunk and following them in.

It's what he remembers it being.

Too much noise and people hugging and talking over each other. Asking questions he doesn't like. There are several new faces and he politely returns any greetings as generally as he can from them. But the ones he does know are so different in some cases that he can't even begin to figure out how to act.

Ethan -- who is almost as tall as Luke -- hugs him before lunging at Noah and talking his ear off about some film he saw. Faith introduces her new boyfriend -- he guesses -- and gives him suspicious looks when he doesn't seem to react the way he should. Natalie kisses his cheek, shows him her new artwork and she's so beautiful, it takes his breath away.

His Grandma Emma is feeding Lucy from her secret stash of cookies and Donovan found a corner where he's talking up a storm with a little boy Luke doesn't recognize at all. It's so surreal and wonderful that he doesn't know what he should do.

Noah stands next to him, one hand on his back, holding him steady when he sees his parents across the room from him.

Leaning into each other, laughing quietly and when his dad bends down to kiss his mother, Luke turns away, catching Noah's worried stare. “I -- sorry. When did they...?” He motions behind him and Noah looks at his parents, his face softening. It almost seems like he's contemplating the move before he reaches out to touch Luke. It's a comfort thing, Luke knows that, but it doesn't stop the heat from uncoiling in his stomach.

“It's been a while. Before we met, actually.” He wraps one arm around Luke's waist, coming to stand behind him and leans his chin on Luke's shoulder. “They remarried after Lucy was born.”

Luke takes a deep breath and says nothing.

“Yeah. You've never been sure how you feel about it.”

“What about you?” he asks and for some reason it's important to know the answer.

“Me? I'm a big fan of true love. So.” Noah hides his face in Luke's neck, drops a kiss there and Luke leans into it, biting his lip to keep from smiling.

 

\--

 

Noah can't be real.

Luke decides this as he watches Noah make his little sister laugh or when he sits at the table while his grandmother cooks, talking quietly as she works. His mother seems pretty taken by him. His dad ruffles Noah's hair as he walks by, repeating it when he passes Luke.

It's not just Noah. The kids -- their kids -- are pretty damn amazing. Lucy sits on Lucinda's lap when she arrives with John. Makes his grandmother smile, her whole face lighting up like he's rarely ever seen. He's pretty sure she's got everyone wrapped around her little finger.

But it's Donovan that makes Luke react the most. He's quiet, which isn't surprising with how _not_ Lucy is, and he stays to the side, helping when he's asked, playing with his cousins. He seems to bring a calm to whatever he does and Luke is pretty sure he doesn't get that from him.

But --

There's something in his eyes that makes Luke's chest clench. Like _he_ isn't sure that it's all real. He makes a note to sit Noah down and ask about it.

He has so many questions about this life. He needs a notebook to list them all.

Luke finds the opportunity to ask the one that he thinks is the most important.

He's setting the table with Noah, adding the silverware as Noah places the plates when he finally gets the courage to ask.

“So.”

Noah pauses to look up at him, his lips turning up slightly, and waits for Luke to continue.

“How did we meet?”

Noah's grins at the question and shrugs. “We met because of work. Sort of. You actually kind of yelled at me when we were introduced.” He laughs at the way Luke's mouth drops open. “Well, it was more like you were annoyed at me. You told me I took too long.” Noah snorts. “Then, you kissed me. It was a pretty interesting first meeting.”

Luke gives him an incredulous look. “Not to mention creepy.”

Noah walks toward him, crowding into his space and Luke forgets his hands are full, tries to grab at Noah's shirt. Noah takes away the forks and spoons, setting them on the table. Luke pulls him in closer, watches his eyes darken when he does and it's like it wasn't before. He _knows_ Noah. He's pretty sure he'll fall for him. That it would be the best and scariest thing to happen to him ever.

Noah leans his forehead on Luke's and his eyes fall closed. “You were creepily cute.”

It startles a laugh from Luke as he watches Noah's eyelashes flutter against the feel of his breath. “So it was love at first sight is what you're saying?”

There's a huge grin on Noah's face and Luke resists the urge to lick his mouth, to kiss him.

“What can I say. I'm irresistible.”

Luke brings his arms around Noah's back, pulls him in and lets himself fall.

 

\--

 

He wants to stay with his family and at the same time really needs to be alone with Noah.

When they finally leave, Lucy pliant and sleepy against his shoulder, Donovan yawning every few minutes, he gives his mother a kiss and she looks into his eyes. “I don't know what's going on, sweetie, but it'll work out.” His dad smiles comfortingly from her side and Luke nods.

He's starting to think they're right.

The car ride is warm, the sounds of Donovan's soft snores and Lucy's breathing familiar somehow. He reaches for Noah's hand and twines their fingers, settles them on Noah's thigh.

It takes thirty minutes to get the kids changed and in bed. Lucy wakes up and Luke reads her a story to get her back down. She kisses his hand after he finishes then curls up on her side, eyes drooping closed. He shuts her door, steps lightly to Donovan's and watches Noah tuck him in bed. He turns when he hears Luke, motions for him to come in and steps out of the room, presumably to say good night to Lucy.

Luke runs his hand through Donovan's hair, smiles when his eyes open slightly, giving Luke a soft, “Night, Daddy.”

“Good night, cowboy.” He remembers his father saying the exact same thing to him and he can't help but repeat it.

Donovan turns toward the wall, his breathing steadying out and Luke leaves quietly. Noah is in the hall and raises his hand when the door is halfway shut. “He doesn't like it closed.”

Luke nods and follows Noah down the stairs, into the kitchen, feeling like he's waiting for something. Noah puts away the dishes, starts the coffee and talks softly about nothing and everything. Dinner plans they had with Maddie and Casey for the beginning of the week. Natalie agreeing to babysit for New Years. His meeting with Hunter about some foundation.

He stops and looks behind him, an apology visible on his face. Luke doesn't want that.

“It's okay. I like that you talk to me like I'm -- well, me.”

Noah's eyes crinkle at the edges and Luke feels it in his gut. This is him. This is what he'd been waiting for. He doesn't know anything else but he knows that.

“This is hard for you.”

Noah looks at him, brow raised in question.

Luke stands up, walks to where Noah is standing with the mugs ready, and leans against the edge of the counter. “Me not remembering. It's got to be frustrating.”

Noah gives him that slow burner smile from earlier, makes a shiver run down Luke's back. “We've been through a lot worse, I think. This we can handle.” He pours coffee into a mug, handing it to Luke and winks when Luke takes it. It smells like his favorite. “Besides, it just means we get to fall in love all over again. I'm okay with that.”

Luke stills for only a second then slowly sets the cup on the counter. Noah's eyes widen when Luke slides toward him. He doesn't think, just reaches up to cup Noah's face and kisses him, mouth opening when Noah groans like he's been waiting for this -- which Luke supposes he has -- and forgets it all when they touch. Noah is warm pressed up against him, hands flexing over Luke's shoulders and down his back, clutching onto his hips.

Luke pulls, moves toward the stairs and meets resistance. He kisses Noah harder, tries again and when Noah stays in place, he makes a frustrated noise. He feels the vibration of Noah's laugh run under his fingers and Luke scowls.

“Baby, I need to turn off the coffee.” Noah kisses his mouth once, twice then leans back, flicks a switch. Luke's fingers are bunched in his shirt, and as soon as Noah is finished, he tightens his hold, pushes up on his toes and licks his way into Noah.

It's a blur of clothes, skin, teeth and hands. He doesn't know how they make it up the stairs and onto their bed. Luke is pretty sure it was purely luck they didn't kill themselves. All he knows is Noah's weight on him, Noah's hands touching his face, his waist, Noah's mouth on his cock and Luke arches up, drags a hand through Noah's hair and grips hard.

Noah takes him to the brink, slowing down to make it last and when Luke thinks he can't take anymore, he pulls away. There's a whine coming from Luke as Noah's heat disappears and he opens his eyes to say something, anything, to bring him back when he feels Noah's hands spread his thighs apart. Then Noah pushes two fingers in and Luke loses all coherent thought.

“ _Nnnnggghh._ ”

His body responds like it knows this, Noah's fingers in him, building with pressure and angles and speed. Luke opens his eyes, finds Noah looking up at him, open mouth against his skin and it's too much. Luke bucks up, hisses out _please_ and _now_ and _baby_. Then it's the blunt head of Noah's cock, burn so good, fingers digging into the sheets, head thrown back against the bed, Noah's mouth pressed against his throat and he thrusts up into it until it's just them.

The tangle of limbs, mouths fused on sweat slick skin, the taste he recognizes even if he doesn't know it...

 

\--

 

Some time later, Noah tries to move off him and Luke grips at his back, makes him stay where he is.

“I'm crushing you, babe.”

Luke sighs, snuggles up into the warmth, shakes his head. “I _really_ don't care.” He strokes down Noah's back, feels the shiver that runs through him and smiles, kisses Noah's temple.

“Is it always like that?”

“I like to think so.” Noah's voice is laced with humor and Luke slaps at his shoulder.

“This is all -- it can't be perfect.”

Noah snorts, drops a kiss onto his chest before glancing up, blue eyes dancing. “It's not. We're not perfect, Luke. We fight. We have problems. Families that get in the way. Kids that don't behave. Days that make us cranky and bitchy. Jobs that leave us frustrated and we take it out on each other. But at the end of the day, we're here.”

“And we're happy?”

“I think we are.”

Luke nods, rubs his cheek against Noah's head, feels the fog of sleep claiming him. “We are.”

He feels Noah smile on his skin.

“I really love you, don't I?”

Noah chuckles, the sensation running through Luke. “I hope so since I'm hopeless about you.”

“This was what I never knew I wanted.” Luke closes his eyes, falling into the waves of exhaustion. “I never knew but now...”

Noah's fingers wrap around his wrist, bring his hand up for a kiss, whispering into the skin. “I'm here, baby. I always will be.”

He knows that, he thinks and lets the darkness take him.

 

\--

 

He doesn't want to open his eyes.

He knows what he'll see when he does.

“Luke.”

It's Bob's voice and he scrunches his eyes shut, tries to keep the grief from crushing his chest in.

“Open your eyes.”

He does.

There's his mother looking relieved and his father trying not to seem as worried as he is. He glances down at his body, still in the suit, and around the hospital room.

He meets Bob's happy gaze and wants to punch anything in sight.

“Welcome back, son.”

 

\--

 

He doesn't tell anyone about it.

It's one of those things that would get people to start giving him _those_ looks again. The ones he got after he started drinking, after the transplant, after coming out. That blend of sympathy mixed with fear and a bit of mocking.

He _hates_ those looks.

So, he doesn't say anything. He goes home with his parents. The damage was minimal in the end. His Jag needs repairs but it should recover fine. He came out of it with a slight contusion on his head but otherwise without a scratch.

He won't be recovering as easily as his car.

Christmas at home makes him miss Noah so much he wants to cry. He looks at Jack and Carly with their kids and aches for something that wasn't even real.

Because it _wasn't_.

It was a dream or some weird brain mishap that happened.

About a man and a family that he hadn't wanted in the first place.

But it _changes_ what he wants and three weeks after the accident, he breaks things off with Chris. They're both relieved, to be honest. Somehow being friends is easier for them and Luke is more than happy to be just that.

The more time passes the more he's convinced that the dream was just his subconscious clearly letting him know he's not being honest with himself.

It takes his father getting sick for Luke to realize that he has to be the one to make the change he needs.

That he has the power to make what he wants happen.

That it was all real.

 

\--

 

Luke and Lucinda fly to Texas to meet with the infamous Dr. Oliver that Bob says can save Holden. Luke knows he's the best neurologist his mother could find. That he doesn't want to take the case. That Luke is there to make him do it with threats, bribery or force. He doesn't ask many questions when Lucinda says that.

So when he walks into the doctor's office to find Reid sitting behind the desk, one eyebrow raised in defiance, Luke stops dead in his tracks.

Because.

“Holy crap.”

That makes Reid tilt his head and look at him. “Excuse me?”

Luke starts to laugh hysterically.

It's insane enough to amuse Reid and he shows up in Oakdale two days later, willing to look at the case.

When Luke introduces him to Chris, it takes less than a minute for them to end up in a fight.

He stops pretending it was a dream and starts to hope.

 

\--

 

He misses Noah _so much_ it's a physical pain.

 

\--

 

He quits Grimaldi Shipping one spring morning.

There's no warning behind it, really. He thinks Hunter's face going completely white when he puts him in charge is worth it though. Calling Damian to tell him is probably the highlight of his month. He doesn't think he's ever heard him curse in Italian before.

He takes two weeks off, grabs his brother and sisters, takes them to the beach. It's the most fun he's had since he can remember. It feels freeing and new. (He tries not to think of Donovan or Lucy.)

When they get home, his parents announce they've gotten back together. Everyone but Luke is surprised. Even if he hadn't been waiting for it, he'd watched them while his dad was sick, saw the love there. He's not sure if it'll be enough but he won't stop them from trying.

 

\--

 

“I'm thinking of writing again.”

They're at Al's and it's like the start of so many other conversations but it's not.

Casey looks up from his dinner, raises an eyebrow. “That could be good.”

Luke nods then goes back to his own food.

It could be.

 

\--

 

He's not entirely surprised that he can't actually write anything. He tries but it's uninspired.

He's pretty sure he knows why.

But that leaves him lost and Luke doesn't know if that's part of the plan.

 

\--

 

It takes him another couple of weeks to figure out what he wants to do.

There's an inheritance from the Grimaldis that he had never intended on using. He wasn't hard up for money. He was technically still CEO of Grimaldi Shipping. He has his shares of World Wide and the money Lucinda released to him when he turned twenty-five. It's more than enough.

The idea niggles at the back of his head for a few days before he calls his grandmother and tells her about it. They meet for dinner and he ignores the look on her face when he lays it out. He remembers that same look well. The one when he quit drinking, survived his sickness and stopped lying about himself. He's not sure if he merits it at the moment but he'd never ask her to stop it.

She'd tell him to stick it.

Luke doesn't think he has a philanthropic bone in his body but Lucinda disagrees. She finds him a good person to get him started and before he knows it, he has two causes he wants to back up. The foundation is under way, divided into two subsidiaries to keep each charity strong. He wants to help sick kids and that's where he employs Chris' help. He contacts Reid as his other consultant and lets nature take its course there.

The second charity is aimed specifically toward homeless teenagers. It's something he feels pretty strongly about so he dives in with a passion.

Somewhere in the middle of planning it all, he thinks of what Casey once told him. He needs a lawyer to help with all the red tape. Someone he knows and trusts.

“You want me?”

Luke grins across the table at his best friend. “Who else would I want beside me on this, man?”

Casey still looks shell-shocked and Luke takes the opportunity to pull out the big guns. “Plus, you'd only be working for the foundation so you'd have a lot of flexibility. Free time to spend with your lovely ladies.”

The way Casey's face lights up is something Luke won't forget any time soon.

The idea for the center hits him one day out the blue and it takes him four months to come up with all the backing he needs. It's not as easy as it seems and every little bit helps so when Maddie suggests a fundraiser, he jumps at the chance. He wants the charity to be open to everyone that needs it, for the center to be the same, but he feels that an emphasis on LGBT youths is needed, that they're the ones who need to be reached the most.

He starts to research the statistics, which are too depressing to even begin to believe.

They set the party on Christmas Eve. It's the perfect time for giving, Casey says.

They are two days from the fundraiser when Reid mentions to Luke that he thinks he might know someone who could give him a better idea about what the statistics really mean, someone that understands it. An ex-patient turned sort of friend that he's invited to the party.

“Apparently, he has family here, too, or something. Details on that are sketchy but he seemed up to it. He made a documentary that I think you should see.”

Luke looks up from his paperwork, grabbing the DVD Reid hands him and promises to look at it that night. He's happy to have as many people there as they can get so he won't complain about one more.

He forgets all about watching the DVD.

 

\--

 

He knows he's waiting.

Luke has no idea when or how it'll happen. He'd never gotten to ask his questions but he knows that everything he does is leading him to where he's supposed to be.

So, he waits.

He hopes.

He believes.

 

\--

 

Luke walks around the party, shaking hands with every person that he can. He talks about the charity until his mouth is dry. There's a band playing, drinks flowing, food being eaten by the truckload. Which is fine. The guests had given generously. He sees his parents in the corner, smiling proudly as they talk to the Hugheses.

He thinks he can finally breathe, maybe have a plate of something, get to spend some time with his friends.

He's surveying the food when Reid comes up to him. He glances over and smiles.

“Turned out well, huh?”

Reid almost smiles back, which is pretty amazing for the guy, so Luke takes that as a yes. “It's not bad, Snyder.” He spots something or someone behind Luke and actually does smile this time. “There you are. Luke, I want you to meet someone.”

Luke turns to look and his heart stops mid-beat.

“Luke Snyder, this is Noah Mayer.”

Noah smiles at him wide, eyes crinkling like Luke remembers and he can't even formulate a thought. “It's really great to meet you, Luke. Reid's said some good things about you.”

Luke takes Noah's hand but he doesn't say anything. Reid and Noah exchange a conversation and Luke is pretty sure he makes the appropriate comments but his focus in on Noah. He can't even move. Reid disappears, leaving them alone, looking at each other and Luke thinks he should say something now. Noah seems a little nervous.

“I really like what you're doing here. It's wonderful.” His cheeks seem to flush and he bites his lip when he says it. “I've been following your progress. Seriously, Luke, you have no idea the kind of difference you're making.”

He doesn't think before he does it. Just throws his arms around Noah and hugs him hard, laughs into his shoulder. The force of it sends Noah back a step, his muffled “Oof” falling into Luke's hair. He grips Luke back, though, and that's all Luke wants.

“Well, this is a nice way to say thank you.”

Luke pulls back, shakes Noah gently, trying not to scowl.

“What took you so long?”

Noah blinks, then half-smiles at him, and it's too much. Luke kisses him fast before he can talk himself out of it. It's just a peck but he feels it radiate from his chest and out through his entire body. He thinks Noah does too because when he pulls back, he sees blue turn into a dark indigo.

“I'm starting to wonder that, too.”

Luke steps back and Noah leans in, as if without meaning to.

“Sorry. That was weird. And creepy.”

Noah shrugs. “I like weird and creepy.” He smiles with his whole face. “I know you're busy tonight and tomorrow I've got family stuff but -- would you like to get some coffee?”

Luke grins hard and nods.

This is where he's supposed to be.

Finally.

 

 _End._

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is love.
> 
> Leave here or at [LJ](http://freakykat.livejournal.com/313965.html?mode=reply).


End file.
